Lucia Gherardi
Once upon a time there was a couple who got married and lived happily ever
after for the rest of their lives…. That’s how any self-respecting fairy
tale ends, but is real life actually like this? Statistics tell us
that marriage is less and less common in the Western world – especially
marriages within the Church – while the number of separations is
increasing. It is increasingly difficult for a couple to have a loving,
balanced relationship. It seems that the greatest evil is no longer
infidelity, but the so-called “roommate syndrome.”
And so, the saying changes… Once upon a time there was a husband and wife
who, after a few years of marriage and a couple children, were forced to
recognize that their marriage was in shambles – fragments so small that
it’s now difficult to reconstruct. They had become perfect strangers,
leading two separate lives without sharing anything, except for the house,
co-ownership of the children, and possibly a joint bank account. They lived
parallel lives. They carried out individual activities without involving
their spouse. They no longer talked about deep issues, and above all, they
no longer cared about each other. They ate in silence. They didn’t tell
each other about their days, and they never asked each other how they
really felt. The few conversations, if not for organizational matters, were
arguments, often about silly things, which sharpened the differences in
character. They couldn’t even look each other in the eye and, if they
spoke, an avalanche of mutual accusations would come pouring out. They
became completely unaware that by forcing themselves to tell one another
what was wrong, they ended up thinking that they couldn’t get out of the
conflict… rather, it was just a truce until the next clash.
There are so many stories like this! They’re testimonies of wounded,
exhausted, dying marriages that indicate the inability of spouses to make
the leap from love to lifelong communion. But why does one come to destroy
what had been one’s life choice? And how can we try to prevent this pain or
heal a relationship that has deeply suffered?
Prevention is better than salvaging. The importance of everyday life
If you end up in the “roommate lifestyle,” it’s essential to recognize the
initial symptoms and act promptly and decisively. One must not lose hope
that they can revitalize the relationship and fight against any temptation
of discouragement and surrender. Above all, don’t get caught up in the
popular mentality that separation is the best option. Fight until the end,
because “the greater the struggle, the sweeter the victory.”
One of the main causes for this end is a lack of daily care for the
relationship. Imagine the relationship as a plant that requires daily
watering, fertilizing, pruning – and support on occasion. Instead, we get
married thinking that marriage will automatically make us happy,
diminishing the need for commitment and effort and allowing the “us” to
come in second, then third, fourth, and so on… In fact, with marriage comes
a new reality: they are no longer two separate entities (two individuals)
but a single new identity (the married couple), both emotionally,
spiritually, intellectually, and not least financially (what you have is
typically shared with the whole family). The couple becomes one, while each
maintaining their individuality. They find unity in their differences.
Another “disease” is the lack of time spent together. Busy, hectic lives
lead to neglecting one’s spouse. We think about work, children, sports,
cultivating our friendships, etc., and we take the person sitting next to
us at home for granted. We hang out with him/her less and less and
therefore understand him/her less and less. We should spend at least 30
minutes a day together, alone, talking about ourselves, our relationship,
situations that have come up, and experiences that revive and maintain the
perception that being together is a pleasurable experience.
It is also essential to cultivate conversation; couples don’t have an
innate telepathy. They must speak to each other, to make the other feel
considered and loved. Simple statements, including loving expressions, of
course, make all the difference! “Oh, he already knows” feeds the
implication of indifference.
True commitment lies in the little, everyday things. By disregarding the
daily moments together and taking for granted what the other feels,
conversation breaks down. The absence of dialogue, miscommunication, and
misunderstandings which begin as just small bumps in the road eventually
become an insurmountable mountain.
Community’s vital role
Thus far, we have analyzed what partners should do or not do; but we must
remember that a couple is always part of a greater community. The community
cannot simply blame marital crises on the couple alone; it needs to
recognize its own contribution to the problem. Therefore, it’s important to
teach couples the “grammar” of human love. Couples should not only be
guided in the lead-up to the wedding, but also in the years that follow.
If, from day one, they are supported through any wavering feelings or
doubts, maybe they will learn how the house may be built on stone rather
than sand – through effort and communication.
And instead, I say this from my own personal experience, they are left to
their own devices. It is quite often they themselves who think they don’t
need help and are convinced that they can manage things on their own. They
don’t ask for advice when the first trials pop up – perhaps out of modesty,
perhaps for fear of not being understood… likely because the
individualistic and hectic society in which we live doesn’t facilitate
dialogue in times of need. Individuality also creeps into conjugality,
which, by definition, implies being in two. It is necessary for spouses to
learn to face life’s difficulties together. Furthermore, being married
means being attached to the same yoke. They walk together, united by a yoke
that is not a repressive bond, but a bond that gives meaning to their
lives.
